I know that “low self esteem” is a very common buzz phrase in the popular culture. But now, in my opinion, it’s gotten to the point where it’s so overused that it has become virtually meaningless. It is also inaccurate. I submit to you that what most of us consider “low self esteem” is actually inverted arrogance. In sexual relationships, it tends to manifest itself in an attitude that basically says, “I’m here to fulfill your sexual wants and wishes with no regard for my own.” Popular culture looks at this attitude and says, “Oh, they don’t feel worthy of sexual fulfillment. They must have low esteem.” I look at the same attitude and say, “They actually believe their sexual martyrdom is some kind of noble sacrifice in the name of love, when it is actually the stubborn unwillingness come out of the perpetual relationship victimhood that grants them the opportunity to appear sympathetic and superior simultaneously.”
That’s not “low” self esteem, that’s extreme self esteem! That’s self esteem that says, “If I have to give up my own sexual fulfillment and gratification to maintain my superiority to you – I’ll do it!” That’s inverted arrogance – arrogance to your disadvantage superficially to gain the lasting advantage psychologically, emotionally, and/or socially. It’s the willingness to maintain your perceived personal superiority to your mate – even at the cost of your own happiness, sanity, and sexual gratification. Whenever your need to be right outweighs your desire to be in healthy relationship – that’s extreme self esteem.
Sexually, this person offers themselves for their partner’s satisfaction without creating a reciprocal dynamic that requires their own sexual gratification as a condition of remaining in the relationship. Then they complain about being neglected, overlooked, or ignored sexually because their partner is just an arrogant brute who only cares about themselves. Since you’re the right one in the relationship, your partner is automatically the wrong one. If they are wrong, then you are superior. And since they’re wrong, the responsibility is now on them to get right – not on YOU to get out of a relationship that clearly doesn’t serve you. In blaming your partner for their wrongs – no matter how legitimate those wrongs are -you seek to absolve yourself from your own responsibility to grow up and own the choice that you continue to make to stay with someone who persistently devalues you.
In this situation, mutually satisfying sexual expression is a virtual impossibility – even if you get the mechanics exactly the way you want them. Because mind-blowing sex is more than 90% mental, a relationship dynamic like this will short circuit any viable possibility for sincerely, deeply, significantly, transcendent, divinely ecstatic sexual connection. If this is your issue, you have much bigger concerns than how ‘Tab A’ fits into ‘Slot B’. I can help guide you out of extreme self esteem. Join my email list and let’s work it out.